Suffering and Happiness

In the last several months as I have been studying the science of happiness (psychological well being) I have found that I am actually happier than I was before I began the study. I wasn’t feeling all that bad when I started, but learning about how my brain is feeding me lies about what will make me happy and focusing more on things that are going right rather than things that are going wrong I find I am a lot more positive and just feel happier.

Last night at our happiness conversation three Airmen reported they have been consistent for the last two weeks keeping a “what went right” journal. (This was a challenged which I gave the Airmen two weeks ago at the end of every day to write down three things that went right and a brief explanation of why it went right). Two of the Airmen reported that they could notice that they were happier and felt better about everything. They said that it was not just reviewing their day before going to bed which caused them to feel good, but without effort, they would find themselves thinking throughout the day and deciding what they would write about. This helped them to be more positive throughout the day.  Of course, this is a totally biblical idea (Philippians 4:8).

I like this way of thinking and by teaching these ideas I am having a positive impact on the Airmen at FE Warren. However, if we are going to be genuinely happy, we have to be honest about the things that go wrong in our lives. Too often I have experienced Christians who have incorporated happiness techniques into their lives and looked happy on the outside, but on the inside, they were in pain which they would never talk about. If we are going to be genuinely happy, we must learn how to talk about and deal with the suffering, disappointments, and hardships that are part of life.

Just like our brain lies to us about what will make us happy it lies to us about the suffering and disappointments we experience. When we are suffering, our brain often tells us that the pain is going to last forever, which just isn’t true. When we are in pain our brain not only tells us it will never end, it also tells us that the suffering will the defining characteristic of our lives. When we lose a relationship because of a breakup, a job transfer, divorce, or death; the pain is intense and feels like it will last forever. When we first receive the news and face the reality that we have lost our job or our savings in a downturn of the market etc., our brain tells us that we’ll never recover. The pain and the feelings are real. When the relationship is especially close the pain is never completely gone, but over time the pain lessens. When we experience a significant loss, life is never exactly like it was before the loss, but we can recover.

I have lost both my parents to death, it really hurt, and I miss them. But the pain has faded over time. When our last dog, Sam, died I didn’t think I would ever quit crying, but I did. I still miss him. I love Willy Nelson, but Willy Nelson hasn’t taken Sam’s place. It is more like my heart has room for more than one dog.  Sometimes it takes years for the pain to lessen, it is never easy, but if we are willing to look forward and think about the good things we have the pain fades.

I often think about the founder of our mission, Jesse Miller. Between April of 1942 and August of 1945, for more than three years, Jesse Miller was in a Japanese prison where he was beaten and tortured. He received no news of the American victories in the Pacific and had every reason to believe that his suffering would last forever, but it didn’t. Jesse was liberated, went to Bible College, and started a mission which has saved hundreds of thousands of soldiers, airmen, sailors and marines. Jesse married and had a delightful family. The scars from his years in prison were always present, the pain was never completely gone, but over time the pain retreated to a manageable level.

History is full of stories of people who have endured unimaginable pain and suffering who hung on, looked forward and appreciated the good things that came their way, and they all report that the agonizing suffering faded over time.

If we are going to be genuinely happy, we have to acknowledge the pain that is part of   our lives. But we must also acknowledge that just like the brain lies to us about what will make us happy it lies to us about suffering. It doesn’t have to last forever, and it doesn’t have to define our lives.  How do we defeat these lies of the brain? Here are my unresearched and unscientific ideas:

First, I think if we are going to get past the pain, we need friends who will listen to us talk about our pain and disappointment. Just like we need friends who will rejoice with us, we need friends that will cry with us. In a past blog I wrote about actively rejoicing with people and suggested that actively rejoicing with others does not come naturally. In the same way weeping with others doesn’t come naturally either. Too often when we share our pain friends get uncomfortable with the conversation and they try to fix us, make us feel, better, suggest how we can fix the situation or worse, change the subject. But when we are in real pain, we need someone who will listen, maybe ask questions so we talk more, and share the burden. I think all of us have had an experience when we tried to share our pain with a friend and they did such a bad job of listening we have decided, often unconsciously, it is better to just keep our pain to ourselves.[1]

Secondly, we must look to the future with optimism. This is not easy and is only accomplished by an act of the will, it is hard and often requires great effort. This is one of the most important aspects of the Christian faith. The Bible teaches that no matter how dark the present is there is a better future over the horizon. Although there are several verses

and chapters that teach this truth my favorite is Laminations 3. Laminations is a book of weeping. It is written by the prophet Jeremiah as he contemplates the destruction of his people and his city. In Jeremiah 3:1-20 the prophet shouts his complaint to God. Jeremiah knows that the destruction which he has experienced is not a random act of bad luck, but it has come from the hand of a sovereign God. And yet in verse 21 Jeremiah shifts his focus from the destruction of Jerusalem to the God he knows and the future which He has promised.  And he writes, “Because of the LORD’S great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Genuine happiness is NOT the denial of suffering, but it does involve renouncing the lies that we are told by our brain. The lie that the suffering will last forever and the lie that we will never recover.

This week I invite you to think about your friends, neighbors and co-workers who are suffering. When you have this person in mind start a conversation with them (which might be over email or FaceTime) so that you can listen to their pain. Try and listen without making them feel better or trying to fix them or the situation. Just listen.

If, as you read this, you are aware that you are the one in pain and wish there was someone you could share the pain with. My challenge to you this week is to gather your courage and share your heart with a friend. If you are thinking, “I don’t have any friends” who would listen to me, send me an email and I will listen to your heart and pray for you.

[1] As I write this, I am thinking of all the times people have trusted me with their pain and I did not listen well. As I think about this it is hard for me to forgive myself for being such a bad friend to people who needed me. I am also thinking of many people who have done such a good job of carrying my burdens with them and this afternoon I will write some of them and express my appreciation.