Last week during our happiness conversation we talked about true love. Over the last year I have been thinking a lot about what Jonathan Hait wrote about love in The Happiness Hypothesis. He makes the observation in the west we are deeply impacted by the myth that true love is passionate love. That true love is not only passionate but that if it is true love the passion will last forever. And if the passion doesn’t last then, it wasn’t true love.
He then draws a contrast between passionate love and companionate love. Companionate love is the intimacy which is built over years of sharing life and overcoming the obstacles that invariably come to all of us. Passionate love is like a fire which burns hot. Companionate love is like two vines that grow together over time and become inseparable from another. He demonstrates that passionate love creates strong emotions, not unlike a drug, but it wears off. Companionate love seldom creates the strong emotions of passionate love but over time becomes the lasting love and intimacy which people seek.
I have thought about this for two reasons. First, it seems profoundly true. When I first got married passionate love was all consuming. It was like a drug which caused very strong emotions and made me do some really crazy things. Over the years I have made a concerted effort to keep that passionate love alive and I will continue to keep that fire burning. But the truth is that love began to fade after the first two years we were married, and I deeply miss those crazy feelings of love.
However, I wouldn’t trade the companionate love we share for ANYTHING! When I was younger and older people would look at their spouse and say “I love you more now than ever” I didn’t really understand it. Although I couldn’t have articulated it at the time, I was thinking how could anything be better than hot, young, passionate love? I get it now and I think Dr. Hait is right, that is what all humans were made for and that is what we all want.
The other reason this idea has captured my imagination is that I think it is a mistake which I see the young people make often. They “fall in love” and feel this passion and think it is “true” love. The passion fades and they assume it wasn’t true love.
I am all for passionate love! I think it is great and as I said, I miss those feelings. But I don’t think passionate love is enough to build a long lasting, satisfying and intimate relationship on. I think the intimate relationships we desire, the ones we were made for, have a foundation of common values, and common purpose. These relationships have a foundation of commitment, a promise of fidelity, and promises to whether the storms and difficulties of life.
I really don’t know how well I was able to communicate these ideas to the young Airmen who came to our conversation. It is impossible to know if any of the young men attended were intrigued by these ideas. But I know deep in my soul that passionate love feels right, and it feels like it will last forever, but long intimate relationships are built on something more.
