A Commitment to Not Pretend
Thirty years ago, I made a commitment to pretend about nothing. Some people have found my honesty daring; others find it off–putting and keep their distance. Most of the time, when someone says, “I really appreciate your honesty,” it feels like a compliment I do not deserve; I am just being who I am.
However, for the last couple of days I have been sad, and I really want to pretend everything is fine. It has taken effort to say aloud,“I feel really sad right now.” I want to pretend that I am happy because I do not want to be the guy who talks about proven techniques to increase our happiness but can’t make it work in my own life. Overall, I am a happy person, and I really believe in the techniques which I am suggesting to others. But sometimes life gets hard and happiness techniques have their limits. I think that because I consistently practice these happiness techniques, my sadness is not as deep and does not last as long as it would if I wasn’t practicing them. And my sadness provides an opportunity to explore the contributors to my sadness and make a plan to deal with that sadness before it got worse. Life has its ups and downs, perhaps being able to diagnose the cause of sadness and make a plan is as important as practicing habits of well-being.
EXPLORING MY SADNESS
I am curious why I am sad. I love my life and nothing has really changed. I am sure that part of my sadness stems from my inability to get a good night’s sleep. For the last two nights I have been up for several hours with my brain fully engaged. Getting a good night’s sleep, a healthy diet, and regular exercise are three very simple things that have been shown to have a positive impact on our happiness. I can make myself exercise and eat well, but when I wake up during the night and my brain “clicks on” I feel helpless. I can either get up, or I can stay in bed and toss and turn. Getting up seems to be a better option.
Poor Sleep
For the last two nights I have been awake from 2:00 a.m. to about 4:30 a.m. I do not like watching TV or videos in the middle of the night, so I read. I have been reading a book I got for Christmas, Talking to Strangers, by Malcom Gladwell. As with all of, his books I agree with everything he writes, and I find the stories he tells interesting. His stories also supply compelling evidence that what he writes is true. Reading books like this helps me to get beyond my current circumstances and feelings to think about the deeper nature of life. I can already see how this book has helped to think better and to feel better.
Not Fitting In
Besides a lack of sleep, I feel odd and out of place here in Cheyenne. I do not know anyone in Cheyenne who reads the kind of books I read or is willing to think with me about the nature of life and how to live well. It seems that the people I know (most of them under the age of 23) think that how to live the good life is obvious, and it is not worth their time to think or read about anything outside their own reality.
I also feel odd because I believe in the Bible, in a God who loves me, and I also believe just as deeply in reading and trying to understand the world beyond the standard evangelical dogma. Often when I speak to Christians who believe the Bible like I do, they have an attitude which can be summed up as something like, “God said it, I believe it, that settles it for me.” They have little interest in learning outside of what they already believe. I believe the Bible is God’s inspired Word, but it feels like I AM ALWAYS struggling to understand exactly what the Bible means for me and how I should live. My understanding of what the Bible teaches is informed by others, and not just Christians, but authors like Gladwell.
On the other hand, when I talk with those who are outside the faith, they think my belief in the Bible is ridiculous. They are polite and never use the word ridiculous, but they can’t reconcile the Bible and orthodox Christianity with the world they live in and what seems so obviously true. Not being able to fit in makes me sad.
Misunderstanding Friendships
As I think about my sadness there seems to be one other contributing factor. It is the misunderstanding or loss of friendships that I have had with the airmen here. Over the last several years I have felt like I have made good friends with some of the airmen. We have dinner together, they have come to Bible study, we have met one–on–one and talked about their lives, and then they just quit coming. They do not answer texts or emails, and they do not say goodbye or offer any reason for why they left the relationship; they just disappear. I have tracked some of them down and asked them why they dropped out of my life, but I have never gotten an answer which makes much sense. They usually say they have been busy. The question makes them feel uneasy.
Having people who I thought were my friends drop out of my life is new. It never happened to me before we got to Cheyenne. Of course, over the years I have lost friendships. In the past it was because had have moved on, either by physically relocating or by needing something different from what I was able to offer. I have also lost friends because I have said something or made a decision which has made them angry, and they felt like they could no longer be friends with me. Although this is painful, at least I know why the friendship ended. However, when people just quit and will no longer talk to me, I am left to wonder if it was something I said or did, if they just moved on, or if we were never friends in the first place.
Doing Something to Get Better
So, a combination of a lack of sleep, loneliness, and loss of friendships combined to form a sadness in my soul. The sadness lasted for a couple of days, and I am doing much better now. I am doing better because I decided to do something about my sadness. First, I decided to go to bed earlier and practice a sleep meditation before I fall asleep. As a result, I have gotten a good night’s sleep, and that is so helpful. I have also thought about my deep friendships with people who are outside of Cheyenne. I really know a lot of other people who believe in God and are readers and thinkers. I recognized that I am not as odd as I had built it up in my mind. And finally, I reaffirmed to myself the obvious truths, I cannot control the actions of others, and I will always be disappointed with others, just as they will be disappointed with me.
If there is one truth I have thought about over the last year, it is this: if you want to change something in your life you have to do something. I know that sadness can grow into depression. I also know that sometimes, when depression takes hold, counseling and medication are required to break the grip of depression. I am a fan of counseling and medication and know that many people have been helped by them. I do not know how much depression could be kept at bay if others were able, or willing, to fight the sadness the way I have. I know that others are different than I am, and I feel NO judgment toward others who are depressed or sad. However, I do feel a sense of accomplishment in my life over the last week. I was feeling a negative emotion, I was able to isolate the contributing factors, and then I was able to do something about it.
Happiness techniques do have their limits, and everyone gets sad from time to time. But knowing that we have the power to think differently and behave differently, which will help us feel differently, can go a long way to keeping us mentally healthy.
