Courage, Acceptance and Wisdom

Most people are aware of an “inner voice” that combines conscious thoughts and unconscious beliefs and biases. This inner voice, often called self-talk, allows us to make sense of our lives and daily experiences. This inner voice can be positive and optimistic, leading to positive feelings, or negative and pessimistic,  leading to negative feelings. This self-talk can have a tremendous impact on attitudes, relationships, and behaviors. 

EVALUATING THE INNER VOICE

It takes a considerable effort to listen carefully to this inner voice and correctly evaluate how closely it relates to reality. It is important to make this effort because this self-talk is often inaccurate and can lead to bad outcomes. For example, this voice can tell us that we are great with no flaws, and we can do anything we put our mind to. This can lead to an inflated ego, which will have a negative impact on our relationships, and can lead to extremely dangerous and risky behavior. Self-talk can also tell us that we are worthless, and nobody really loves us. This can lead to isolation and depression. Neither extreme is true, but this voice can get loud so that it feels like it is true.

Reinhold Niebuhr

CHANGING THE INNER VOICE

It is possible to recognize this self-talk and change its volume and what it says. One way to change it is by speaking, aloud, several times a day, what is true. When I was in high school my mom began an aggressive and courageous mission to change her inner voice. Although this mission had several elements to it, one of the most effective ways was to say a simple prayer aloud several times a day. This was her prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”* As a high school student, I did not understand the prayer, I did not know why she had to say it several times a day, and I found it annoying. As an adult I see the brilliance of evaluating the events of our lives in this simple and profound paradigm. This is a fantastic way to “talk to yourself.”

A lot of people are unhappy with their lives because they don’t realize that, with courage, they can make changes. I know people who stay in jobs they don’t like, relationships that are destructive, and continue in disastrous habits when they have the power to make changes. My dad, who is responsible for a lot of my self-talk, used to say, “If you don’t like your life,  decide to change it. If that doesn’t work, make another decision.” My dad had little compassion for people who complained about their lives but did not have the courage to make changes. I never want to minimize how difficult or how much courage it can take to make changes in your life, but life is too short to stay in situations which are unprofitable. 

ACCEPTING WHAT CAN’T BE CHANGED

Just as important as the courage to make changes is accepting, 

with grace, the things we cannot change. People who live in Wyoming complain about the wind; people living in Southern California complain about traffic; and everyone I know is complaining about inflation. It is impossible for anyone to change the wind, the traffic, or the rate of inflation, and complaining is not helpful. Complaining just leads to negative attitudes, which leads to unnecessary and unpleasant feelings. 

One of the things which we cannot change, and on which we often spend a lot of energy trying to change, is other people. I do not want to diminish the influence we can have on other people; as a teacher, mentor, and pastor I often have the opportunity to encourage, warn, and exhort others. But a at the end of the day people only change when they decide to. 

Of course, the key to making this work is by having the wisdom to know what you can change. Since moving to Cheyenne almost eight years ago, we have created a powerful ministry in the lives of a few Airmen we have met here. We have enjoyed our work with the chapel and chaplains who have been stationed here. However, we have not been able to create a strong community of believers who support each other. As much as I would like to “make” the Airmen care and sacrifice for each other, that is something I don’t control. What I do control is the program and the environment that allows for that kind of community to develop. Over the last eight years we have made a lot of changes. Some have worked better than others, but none of them has worked to create the kind of community that we have seen in the past, or desire for the Airmen here. 

Beginning in October we are going to begin a new chapter of ministry here in Cheyenne. We have two new chaplains who have arrived, who are excited about a partnership with us, and we have met several times to discuss how we might create a more inviting atmosphere that would encourage a committed community and spiritual growth among the Airmen.  

Because I chose to focus on what I can change, I feel excitement and optimism about the future. 

Often it is hard to see a clear picture of what you can change and what you must accept. Just as hard is to see clearly what kind of change is necessary or how to begin to make the needed changes. Often a skilled counselor or life coach can be helpful. If you are unhappy with some part of your life, and are unsure how or what to change, I would encourage you to reach out to a counselor or life coach. Of course, if I can be helpful, I would be happy to talk with you. I pray that if you are unhappy with any part of your life, you would take control of what you can change and courageously move forward. If you are unsure where to start, I pray you would make a phone call or write an email to someone you trust and get started on the life that you really want. 

*This is a famous prayer commonly known as the Serenity Prayer. It was  written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971).