Next week our Wednesday night conversation falls on November 11, and because it is a federal holiday, we will not have a happiness conversation at FE Warren. However, November 11 is also significant because it is my 45th wedding anniversary. Each week as I think about happiness, I ask myself, “how well am I doing at practicing the habits that lead to happiness”. Since starting this blog and leading the happiness conversation I have made some adjustments in my life. I really want to maximize my happiness. This week I was very surprised by what I learned and became reflective on the history and success of my marriage which seems appropriate as it is the week of our anniversary. It is my prayer that this blog will help you to celebrate your closest relationships. But even if you are single my prayer is that you will think about how will you celebrate your friends in new and surprising ways.
It is well document that mental well-being (happiness) is linked to close, intimate, long term relationships. It is also well documented that these kinds of relationships are difficult today in developed countries. I never want to pretend that my relationship with Debbie is better than it is, but it has been an easy relationship and I have always loved her to the moon and back. And most of the time she feels the same way about me. Like everyone we have faced significant challenges: raising children, staying employed, paying bills and various health episodes. But we have never really struggled in our marriage.
I have never believed that I got lucky and just happened to find the right girl. And I know that Debbie didn’t get lucky, she could have done much better if she had waited. No, I have always believed that we owe our successful relationship to two huge factors. First, since the day we met we have had a deep devotion and commitment to Jesus Christ and the commands of scripture. Of course, there are many couples who get married with a commitment to Jesus and their relationship ends in divorce or continues with struggle and disappointment. Just being committed to Jesus at the time of the wedding is no guarantee of a happy ending. And just because a relationship ends or is hard is NO indication that there isn’t a strong commitment to the Lord!
I have always thought that the second factor which has contributed to our deep love for each other is our ability to fight well. We don’t fight much anymore; I think we are just too old and tired to put the effort into a good fight. But when we were younger, we had some epic fights. But I think they were good fights for several reasons. First, we were always committed to fighting about one thing at a time and we kept fighting until that one thing was solved. We kept talking about the subject until we both agreed. This seldom took more than a couple of hours, but our fights never were about what happen yesterday, last month or last year. Our fights were never loaded with unresolved anger from the past.
Second, we were always committed to honesty. We never said we agreed, or we were okay when we weren’t. Fighting is exhausting and sometimes it seems easier to just “give-in” and pretend you are okay when in reality you are still angry. We had a strong commitment not to do that.
The third factor which made our fights good is that for 45 years we have acknowledged that at any time, regardless of how we feel, we might be wrong. We have been pretty good at listening to each other and apologizing in the end. At the end of most fights, we both had something to apologize for. It is really hard to fight fair, and in the heat of battle both of us have said mean things for which we needed forgiveness. Our fights ended with us forgiving each other and admitting our faults.
Debbie and I believe that having a good fight is so key to a good marriage we used to teach a workshop at our yearly Bible Conference in Switzerland on how to have a good fight. Sometimes we would even fight during the workshop (never planned) and the folks would get a live demonstration. It was always embarrassing for us and seemed to be entertaining for those who attended.
However, this week I read something which has made me rethink the importance of a good fight in relationships. Research conducted at University of California at Santa Barbara by Dr. Shelly Gable has shown how you celebrate is more predictive of a good relationship than how you fight. Since I read that I have, for the first time, carefully considered how we have celebrated our marriage.
When we were first married, I was in the US Navy stationed on a ship in Japan. Debbie joined me in Japan, and we rented a very small apartment made entirely of paper. We were very poor, and I was out to sea for over 300 days that first year. Every time we were together it was the celebration of a honeymoon. It was passionate love for sure and because I was at sea so often it didn’t cool off. We didn’t like living this way, it was the major reason I got out of the Navy, but it made for some great celebrations.
When we were in Bible School, we had very small children. David was 3 months old when we arrived in Portland and Richard was born there. I was a full-time student and a part time youth pastor, once again we were poor. But I was committed to celebrating our relationship so every week we had a date. We would have a student from school or from our youth group watch the kids while we went “out”. Most of the time we couldn’t afford dinner out and movies were against the rules (however, we did break this rule more than once). For most of our “dates” we went over to Dr. Goodrick’s home. He was my Greek teacher and opened his home once a week to students to just chat about whatever came up. Debbie, I, and Ed (Dr. Goodrick) had a lot of dates together.
When we went to Germany the kids were a little older, 4 and 5, we began the tradition of having a yearly honeymoon.Someone from our military community would watch the kids for a long weekend and we would take off to a romantic hotel somewhere in Europe. When they were
in 5th and 6th grade we took a spur of the moment trip to Mallorca (a Spanish island in the Mediterranean).
Every 7-10 years I plan a surprise celebration for us. She never knows when it is coming. Some of these have been as simple as a trip to a resort across town. Others have involved flights across the country where we celebrate with friends. One involved an entire second wedding. I make all the plans, pack her bags, buy her wedding dress, secretly clear our schedules and she just wakes up to the adventure. She is always a good sport about it and just goes with my plan, I love that about her.
When I began student teaching last spring, we celebrated every day I came home from teaching 7th graders with lattes and home-made banana bread. This daily celebration has continued even though I have been done with student teaching since March. When we were locked down because of COVID restrictions once a week we had a “date”. Debbie would plan a special meal; we would both get all dressed up and watch a movie at home. The last several years Debbie and I have changed our diets and for the most part eat a plant based, healthy diet. But on Saturday morning we celebrate life with blueberry pancakes. And we go in big every year for Birthdays! We celebrate in big ways every 7-10 years, in smaller ways every year and in even smaller ways every day. But we are always celebrating each other.
I didn’t think about this until I read the research, but as I have looked back over the years, we have always celebrated each other. We celebrated when we were really poor and when our kids were very young. We have celebrated in Europe, and in Cheyenne, Wyoming. We celebrate when our nest is empty, and when we are locked down with COVID restrictions.
I did get lucky when I was young and knew so little about love that I married a young godly woman who knew how to celebrate and fight! I am lucky that long before I read the research, I knew it was time to celebrate. I am the luckiest man in the world.
I pray that right now you would think about your best friend and think about how to celebrate that friendship. Don’t get hung up on “best friend”, think about someone you know who you like and go celebrate!
Well said dad. Thanks for that encouragement.