Belonging

Debbie and I have begun a six-month sabbatical from our ministry at FE Warren. While we are gone, the chaplains will cover our Bible Studies and other teaching assignments so we will be able to step back into the ministry when we return in August. 

We have had our last breakfast and Bible Study, our last time in chapel, and our last Tuesday night happiness conversation for six months. Although we’ll be back, we know that a lot will change while we are gone. Some Airmen will move to different assignments, some will separate from the Air Force, and there will be new Airmen who will arrive. Although we’ll be back, it feels like we are closing a chapter in our lives.

Although I know this sabbatical is a good idea, and I am excited for the next few months, I am sad we are leaving. I am connected to the Airmen here and feel like we belong among our neighbors who have become good friends.  This feeling of belonging and connection has not come easily for us in Cheyenne. It feels like, in other places, it has been easier and come faster, but there is no doubt that right now this is our home. We love the people here and they love us. Thinking about being away, even for six months, leaves me feeling sad.

BELONGING MAY BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN WE THINK

Abraham Maslow was an American psychologist who is best remembered for his theory of psychological health predicated on fulfilling innate human needs in priority, culminating in self-actualization. There is much about the theory which is insightful. However, the last 40 years of research shows his categories, while helpful, are not as rigid as once thought. Maslow had conceptualized six categories of needs with our need to belong in the middle, after our physiological and safety needs are met. However, a vast amount of recent research indicates that our need to belong is as basic to our health as having access to clean water and healthy food.

I have been reading Belonging: The Science of Creating Connection and Bridging Divides, by Geoffrey L. Cohen, who quotes a vast amount of research that shows a sense of belonging is key to learning, growing, and enjoying life. It seems that belonging is as important as the air we breathe. As I read his book, I am aware that for the last 40 years we have worked to create a sense of belonging among people. I am also aware that we have always felt a sense of belonging in the military community, church, and especially the groups we led. 

BELONGING TAKES COURAGE AND WORK – BUT IT’S WORTH THE EFFORT

Cohen also points out that all of us, at different times and places, wonder if we belong. This belonging insecurity has a negative impact on our mental health and hinders good decision making. I can relate. I have had times when I felt like I didn’t belong at church, in our neighborhood, or the military community. It isn’t a good feeling.

One of the most interesting studies that Cohen references was a large study among college freshmen. Research shows that virtually all college freshmen have doubts about whether they really belong at college or not and, not surprisingly, the feeling is more intense among minorities and people of color. In one experiment researchers had upperclassmen write about their insecurities when they began college and then had the underclassmen read the essays. After reading the essays the freshmen felt better about being at school because they were aware that everyone was feeling insecure. Just knowing that everyone, regardless of their first impression, struggled with a sense of belonging, helped them feel like they belonged.

I have discovered that a feeling of belonging takes time, effort, false steps, and courage. Many people give up and conclude that they will never belong. As Cohen points out, this “giving up” has disastrous results. When you have given up on belonging, you are at risk of severe depression, anxiety and a myriad of physical ailments. 

I thank God that I feel like I belong in Cheyenne and am sad about leaving for a while. I pray that today you have a sense of belonging where you are. If you don’t have that feeling, don’t give up. Think about what needs to change or if perhaps you just need to wait. If you feel like you don’t belong anywhere and are unsure what to do, please do not hesitate to write. I would love to talk with you.