I never really thought much about shame until a couple of years ago when I came across a talk by Brené Brown. Brown is a research professor, lecturer who spent years researching shame. Shame is the feeling we are not enough: not smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough. Brown discovered three significant truths about shame: 1) Everyone has shame; 2) No one wants to talk about it; 3) The more we deny our shame, and refuse to talk about it, the more it will control our lives. After I watched her first TED Talk, I read her books and watched several of her YouTube videos. As a result, I think about my shame and am somewhat aware of its influence in my life. I would add one personal observation about my personal shame, it is subtle, and it is not rational.
On the first day of our missions trip in Lake Charles, I was asked to use the miter saw to cut some trim. I have a miter saw at
home and know how to use it properly. Because I am a philosopher and not a carpenter, I am always aware of my goal when I use this tool. Simply stated, it is to leave with as many fingers as when I started. This machine can take off a finger very quickly.
After getting the assignment to cut the trim, I measured several times and made precise markings. I then proceeded with the assignment and met my personal goal of keeping all my fingers. However, the cuts were not correct. Two pieces were short by three inches and two were backwards. When our foreman came to check on my progress, he was kind as he pointed out my error, but I felt the hot wash of shame sweep over me. It didn’t feel like I had just made a mistake, I felt like an incompetent fool.
For the rest of the day, I tried to talk myself out of the shame. I said to myself, “It is no big deal, you are not a professional carpenter, it is a mistake, everyone makes them.” But regardless of how hard I tried, I could not shake the feeling that I was a fool masquerading as a competent person. I wanted another chance to prove I could make the cuts correctly. But we did not have extra materials and I was reassigned (appropriately) to spackling and hanging doors. The feeling of shame lessened as the week progressed. Self-deprecating humor and affirmation from the team helped a lot. Talking about my shame with others was helpful.
I recently learned a new way to think about shame. It is the gap between who we think we should be and who we think we are.
__________________________________________________ Who we think we should be.
Shame
__________________________________________________ Who we think we are.
For example, I think I should be able to take a few measurements and cut the trim correctly. However, I am is a just a guy who uses a miter saw occasionally on home projects and I make a lot of mistakes. That is a pretty big gap.
This gap between who I think I should be and who I think I am changes depending on the day and situation. Some days I feel like I am a competent human being and secure in my relationships. Other days I am only aware of how far I fall short of who I want to be and who I think I should be.
I think the only real solution to the shame dilemma is to acknowledge I am limited, there is a lot I don’t know, I make mistakes, and I sin. To put it simply, I am a mess. But that is not the end of the story. Even though I am a mess, God created me (Psalm 139:13-14), He has chosen me (Ephesians 1:4-5), and He loves me and died for me (John 3:16). The Bible is clear, I am a mess, but it is okay, Christ died for me, and God the Father loves me. When I forget God’s solution to my shame, I either deny my shortcomings and pretend I am better than I am, or I work hard to be who I think I should be. Both are exhausting and leave me feeling alone and afraid.
I can’t imagine how I would deal with my shame if it were not for the gospel; the truth that God loves me, died for me, and has a plan for my life. For a time, people can deny their shame. They can try hard, pretend, and distract themselves with amusements of every sort. Sometimes, this strategy works for years. But eventually, most folks must face the truth, they are not who they think they should be. On that day, God the Father and the Lord Jesus are ready to welcome them into the kingdom of heaven with love and forgiveness.
