I am currently at 39,000 feet flying to Seattle. The primary purpose of the trip is to see my brother and see a play that he is directing. My brother is a really good guy. He cares about others and has done his best to live a good life. However, we have not been close and seldom talk. Like relationships in a lot of families, there is some history and many misunderstandings that have built up over the years. I have come to believe that none of that history is important anymore. What I really want is a closer relationship with my brother. If an apology helps, I will have little trouble offering the best apology I can;
The playbill from a fun little play.
God knows I am not innocent. I do not need any apology or explanation from him, I know that he has a good heart and has always tried to do the right thing.
I went to counseling school to learn the psychology of relationships, and I have a good deal of experience helping others with their relationships. Every week I talked with young Airmen about their romantic relationships, I have talked with many couples about their marital relationships, and parents as they struggle to relate to their teenage children. Yet, as we fly to Seattle, I feel like I am in uncharted waters.
WHEN WHAT I HAVE LEARNED DOESN’T APPLY
In most (all?) of my counseling, I encourage people to talk openly about past hurts that keep the relationship from moving forward. I encourage honesty and emotional vulnerability. I give people tools for asking deep questions and listening carefully to the answers. However, as our plane prepares to land, none of that feels right as I think about hanging out with my brother.
If he wants to talk about the past, I will listen carefully and apologize for everything I can, which is a lot. However, all I want to do is celebrate him. I want to celebrate who he is and what he has accomplished. All of his life he has worked hard and has been financially successful. He has consistently found ways to help his community and other people he has known. He has had a successful marriage of almost 50 years! As I write this, I wonder why we haven’t been best friends, we have so many of the same values.
Part of the answer is because we are brothers, and we share a lot of history. If I met him on the street today, or at the end of the play, I am almost certain I would invite him over to our home for dinner and we would have a great conversation. I think we would become good friends.
UNDERSTANDING MY RELATIONAL GOAL
A really fun night with my brother and his wife.
My goal being with him today is to just celebrate a good man who has done much good in the world. It is my prayer that as we meet it will be the beginning of a new relationship where we can become good friends who talk often and celebrate one another.
While all of that is important, ongoing relationships get complicated. Sometimes the relationship may get to a point of impasse and must be put on pause while both parties evaluate where they have been and where they want to go. For example, this happens when a teenager runs away from home or a couple separates. It isn’t the end, but there is a time of serious reflection about the past and the future. Often when relationships get into trouble it requires careful conversation, perhaps with the help of a therapist, as both parties explore hurt and misunderstandings. Sometimes relationships must end, there is just too much damage and too much history to work through.
The relationship with my brother feels very different from these examples. It feels like we should just start over. As our plane makes its final approach to Seattle and I have been instructed to shut down my computer, I pray that today will be the beginning of a great relationship with a long-time friend. I pray that today you too would evaluate your important relationships and consider what you can do to make those relationships better.
