A Blog In Review With A New Introduction

This week Debbie and I took a couple of days off and traveled to Denver (we are easily amused). It was a great mini vacation. We had dinner with friends both Tuesday and Wednesday evening. It is so good to be with people who know us well that we have known for many years. On Tuesday evening before dinner Debbie read me the first half of “What Men Live By” I read the middle part of the story, and then she had to finish it because I was crying too hard to read. This is my favorite Tolstoy story which I referred to in my blog on February 1^st entitled Gaining Wisdom: Tolstoy. Debbie and I often read to each other and more often discuss with each other what we are reading and learning. There are many advantages to reading. One advantage, often overlooked, is that reading can provide the material to foster intimacy and understanding. I LOVE being married to a beautiful woman who reads. I worry about young couples that don’t share a love for the written word.

Today we brought a new puppy (named Waylon) into our home. Willy Nelson is getting use to a new member of the family. Waylon is getting used to everything. So, because of a mini vacation and a new family member I am reposting, with some needed edits, a past blog. Enjoy.

True Love

Last week, during our Happiness Conversation, we talked about true love. Over the last year I have been thinking a lot about what Jonathan Haidt wrote about love in The Happiness Hypothesis. He makes the observation that in the west, we are deeply impacted by the myth that true love is passionate love. We believe that true love is not only passionate, but that if it is true love, the passion will last forever. And if the passion doesn’t last, then it wasn’t true love.WILL THE REAL TRUE LOVE PLEASE STAND UP

Haidt then draws a contrast between passionate love and companionate love. Companionate love is the intimacy which is built over years of sharing life and overcoming the obstacles that invariably come to all of us. Passionate love is like a fire which burns hot. Companionate love is like two vines that grow together over time and become inseparable from each other. He demonstrates that passionate love creates strong emotions, not unlike a drug, but it wears off. Companionate love seldom creates the strong emotions of passionate love, but over time becomes the lasting love and intimacy which people seek.

I have thought about this for two reasons. First, it seems profoundly true. When I first got married, passionate love was all-consuming. It was like a drug which caused very strong emotions and made me do some really crazy things. Over the years I have made a concerted effort to keep that passionate love alive, and I will continue to keep that fire burning. But the truth is that passionate love began to fade after the first two years we were married, and I deeply miss those crazy feelings that come along with it. 

However, I wouldn’t trade the companionate love we share for ANYTHING! When I was younger and older people would look at their spouse and say, “I love you more now than ever,” I didn’t really understand it. Although I couldn’t have articulated it at the time, I was thinking, how could anything be better than hot, young, passionate love? I get it now, and I think Dr. Haidt is right; that is what all humans were made for, and that is what we all want. 

WHEN THE PASSION FADES

The second reason this idea has captured my imagination is that I think it is a mistake which I see young people make often. They “fall in love” and feel this passion, and then they think it is “true” love. Once the passion fades, they assume it wasn’t true love after all.

I am all for passionate love! I think it is great and, as I said, I miss those feelings. But I don’t think passionate love is enough to build a long-lasting, satisfying and intimate relationship on. I think the intimate relationships we desire, the ones we were made for, have a foundation of common values and common purpose. These relationships have a foundation of commitment, a promise of fidelity, and promises to weather the storms and difficulties of life.

I really don’t know how well I was able to communicate these ideas to the young Airmen who came to our conversation. It is impossible to know if any of the young men who attended were intrigued by these ideas. But I know deep in my soul that while passionate love feels right, and it feels like it will last forever, long intimate relationships are built on something more.