FACING OUR SHAME
Several years ago I listened to Brene Brown’s TED talk on Shame (If you haven’t seen it I think it is the best TED talk I have ever seen, you won’t regret watching it Listening to Shame). Dr. Brown has spent years studying shame and demonstrates that nobody wants to talk about it, it feels awful, everyone feels it (except for people who have no capacity for empathy), and without talking about it we lose our ability to connect with others. I hate feeling shame and am so thankful that Jesus gives me a way to understand my shame and move on.
A few nights ago, I was at a party where, apart from the host and hostess, I didn’t know anyone. I struck up conversations with people I didn’t know, tried to ask questions about who they were, and really enjoyed the conversations. We talked about women’s sports, architecture, law, and how it was best that children didn’t have phones until they were in high school. The conversations felt easy, and I enjoyed sharing some of my stories and getting to know the people at the party.
My idea of the good life. Reconnecting with freinds and Texas
barbeque
At some point after dinner the conversation turned to how to live a
good life (I probably directed the conversation that way although I don’t remember how exactly we landed there). I know I got excited about the conversation; I just love talking and thinking with others about how to live a good life. It felt to me like the people I was engaging with were enjoying the interaction. And when we left the party, I had the feeling that it was a good evening.
However, the next night the host told me I probably talked too much and dominated the conversation. He could see that his observation bothered me and asked, “Did it bother you that I said that?” To which I responded truthfully, “No, it bothers me that it is probably true.” I felt ashamed and embarrassed, and I had trouble going to sleep that night wondering why I couldn’t interact with people on a normal level.
I wish that there was some objective, external meter that I could read when in conversations that would let me know, in an objective way, when I was talking too much, dominating the conversation, or talking about things others were not interested in. One of my favorite verses is Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” This is the desire of my heart, but I often fail at speaking according to the needs of others.
LESSONS FROM MY DOG
Our youngest dog, Waylon, gets excited when he thinks we are going for a walk or playing fetch. When he is excited, he barks loudly and
jumps with excitement, which often scares others. I know he is just excited and can’t control himself, but it is annoying. I think that when I get excited about a conversation, I can be just as annoying as Waylon.
However, it is complicated. Although Waylon’s excitement is annoying, I love watching him get excited over something as simple as throwing a ball. I do get excited about conversations about philosophical ideas that have very specific and practical applications. I often wish other people got excited about these subjects as well. I tire of small talk quickly and am grateful for others who want to engage in serious conversation, even when we don’t know each other well. But I NEVER want my conversations to sound like the annoying bark of a young dog, and I know that sometimes they do!
I want to do better and will try to better monitor my excitement when in conversations. However, I know that on this side of heaven, I will always fail. As we read in James 3:2, “Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.” I was not only saved by grace, but I must also live by grace. On a very deep level, I don’t like this idea. I would rather get it right than ask for and receive forgiveness. But that is not God’s plan for my life or yours. God knows that we will draw closer to Him and others when we face our shame, confess our sins and feel His love and forgiveness.
My prayer for you today is that you will not be afraid to talk about your shame. That you would be courageous in being honest, and that you will feel the rush of acceptance and love when Jesus says, “It is okay, I love you and I know you will do better tomorrow.”
