For much of my early life I believed that I could not be ambivalent. My circumstances were either good or bad, but not both. Emotionally, I could be happy or sad, but it was impossible to be both happy and sad. However, when I was in graduate school, I received permission to be ambivalent about my circumstances and emotions. Since then, ambivalence often is the best description of how I am feeling, especially when I am in stressful situations where the outcome is uncertain.
This year my life has taken unpredictable turns which has left me very ambivalent. I am most aware of these ambivalent feelings when people ask, “How are you?” because the honest answer is I am feeling good and bad.
I am good because I am extremely grateful. For the last six
months we have been fighting cancer and have been receiving expert medical care from what must be the best doctors and nurses in the world. Our medical team has been professional, knowledgeable, very kind, and patient with us. They never seem to be in a hurry and never seem to tire of our endless series of questions. I am aware that few people in our world have access to this kind of medical treatment.
I am also grateful that we can afford to pay for the treatment, because we are over 65 and receive Medicare. I am also grateful to be surrounded by an army of great friends. Last week Debbie finished her last chemo infusion and we celebrated. First with a party in Cheyenne, and then a few days later, a celebration in Denver. I am so grateful to be surrounded by such wonderful people. Some we have known for 40 years, others we have known for less than six months. In a culture which has a loneliness problem, we are deeply connected and loved.
I am also excited about the future. I am optimistic about new ministry opportunities to the military community and looking forward to the travel which we planned to do which has been postponed. I enjoy thinking about all the possibilities and adventures that await me in the next year.
And I am deeply, head over heels, in love. I know I am not unique, but I feel so privileged to be able to spend my life with someone I am so deeply connected to. How am I? I am really good. Thanks for asking.
How am I? Not good. I feel overwhelmed with the details of my situation which I must deal with. I am getting more emails and text messages than I can answer, and I am afraid I am going to miss something important. I feel guilty that I am not spending more time on Facebook and Instagram and realize I am not keeping up with others as well as they are keeping up with me. I am afraid that the ministry opportunities I am looking forward to may not materialize, and that Debbie may not regain her strength or her cognitive ability. I am also angry that my life has been invaded by cancer, that I am growing older, and that I am not as strong as I used to be. I am disappointed, sad, and frustrated.
I believe that God is in this with me and am grateful for His presence, and the peace He gives me every day. I am also disappointed that I don’t feel His presence more or hear His voice more clearly. I have been reading the Bible and a devotional every day. Some days it is encouraging, but often the devotional feels more like Christian clichés which leave me feeling skeptical of my faith. Some days the Bible speaks to my heart, and I am so encouraged. Other days the Bible feels very out of touch with the world I must live in and navigate .I love the Lord, and His Word, I rely on God and His Word every day. I don’t know how I could live without my faith. But some days His communication with me is disappointing.
I am glad I have given myself permission to be ambivalent, it feels honest. I am grateful for friends who can listen to my ambivalence and are not quick to label my feelings or thoughts as unchristian or heretical.
I am really enjoying my life right now, even though I am a mess of tangled emotions and thoughts. As Debbie heals and the dust of our life settles into more predictable patterns, I think that the anger, disappointment, and sadness will give way to more joy, excitement, optimism, and a stronger faith. Because I believe that God is sovereign and in control, the future is bright.
I pray that today you can be honest about the ambivalence that is in your life. I also pray that you have good friends who can listen to your tangled emotions and thoughts and be present with you.
