Friends: Having vs. Being

Health Experts agree: good, deep, and lasting friendships are vital for good mental and physical health. Last week I was talking to a young man who is beginning to realize the value of good friends, and he asked me, “How can you tell a really good friend from an acquaintance?” I think that is a great question. As we talked we also discussed how easy it is to think someone is a really good friend only to find out they are only an acquaintance, or worse, your enemy. 

HAVING A GOOD FRIEND IS GREAT

I didn’t have an answer to his question, but as we talked, a couple of thoughts came to mind. One thought is that everyone I know wants to have good friends. No one likes being alone. We want someone to laugh with, talk with, dance with, go to the movies with, and watch us as we do a flip on a snowboard. Most friendships start this way; we just enjoy being with someone and they enjoy us. These relationships are good, and there is an easy give-and-take, too. But without realizing it, we may be taking more than we are giving. We like talking and having someone listen. We like asking a friend for help and advice and we don’t mind listening to their stories, but what we really want is for them to listen to our stories.  We will watch a movie they like, but what we really want is to show them our movie or our video and have them laugh at what we thought was funny or profound. It is easy to want someone to be your friend, it is more difficult to commit yourself to being a good friend. 

My second thought is that a good friend, as opposed to an acquaintance, is someone who will sacrifice for you. I think most of the time, way back in the part of the brain that you really can’t access (the subconscious), we are thinking of what we can get from the friendship, not what we can give. But when I think about my really good friends, they have all sacrificed what they really want for my best interest. My neighbors, who are some of my best friends, threw us a farewell party before we left on our Home Assignment. They opened their home and their hearts to us. All of our neighbors have given us time, loaned us their tools, and gave us a lot of encouragement. They have all helped me understand my new RV in sacrificial ways. 

Friends show up at hospitals, funerals, and weddings, even when it is inconvenient. Friends have you into their home and will take you out to dinner. Good friends will watch you kids, or your dogs, when you need them to. Friends will cry with you and will laugh with you. Of course, sometimes friends just can’t be there for you. They can’t watch your kids or go to your wedding, but even when they can’t, they want to. That is why it is hard to know if someone is really your friend or not. Sometimes friends just can’t be there for you, and you can’t tell in the moment if it is because they really can’t, or if it is because they just don’t want to make the sacrifice.

BEING A GOOD FRIEND IS BETTER

The best examples of friendships on planet Earth are probably a good marriage or parents who love their children. In a good marriage both parties care more about the other person than they do themselves and will sacrifice everything for the other person. Parents who love their children always want to put the best interest of the children ahead of their own. When good parents discipline their children and say, “This hurts me more than it does you,” they really mean it, although at the time no kid in the world believes it until they are parents and have to discipline their own children. 

And the best friendship out of this world is God’s friendship for us. He sacrificed his only son. Jesus didn’t go to the cross because he had to, or because he wanted to. He went because that is what needed to be done for us, his friends. John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” 

As I look back on my life I can remember times of sacrificing for my wife, my children, and my friends. But I can also think back on too many occasions when I could have sacrificed and didn’t. I want to be a better friend to people I know. I want to sacrifice more of myself for my wife and others. I pray that today you would not ask for good friends, but to commit yourself to being a good friend who will sacrifice for others.