It always comes as a bit of a shock when you realize you are wrong about yourself. I first read about this idea 
in a book by Kathryn Schulz, Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error. She suggests that it is possible to think of yourself one way, and then because of some unforeseen event in life, you come to see yourself differently. This is always surprising because you live with yourself 24/7 so you should know yourself pretty well. Since first reading about this idea, I have seen how I have been wrong about myself, and it is always disturbing.
When I am wrong about myself it is disturbing; not only because I really should know who I am, but also because several years ago I made a commitment to never pretend about anything. I have tried to never pretend that our ministry was bigger than it really was, that I was doing better emotionally than I was, or that I was smarter than I really was, etc. I have thought that radical honesty, no matter how painful, is better than pretending. In addition, I have never wanted to live in denial. When someone says something negative about me, I try to get curious and explore the negative comment. Often people can see things about me that I can’t see about myself, and their insights have proven to be very helpful, even when initially painful.
FINALLY ADMITTING THE TRUTH
This morning I had to admit that I have been living in denial, and it is emotionally painful. Here is the story: In September of 2019 I had a heart ablation for atrial flutter. No big deal, I was soon back to normal like nothing ever happened. In November of 2020 I had an event at the gym while working out; my heart started beating really fast, I had to stop exercising, and my heart didn’t slow down for 40 minutes. But it appeared to be a one off, because the next day I was back to the gym and it appeared like nothing ever happened. However, when I saw my cardiologist two months later for a routine exam, he told me I had atrial fibrillation and suggested another ablation. My skilled cardiologist performed the ablation and, voila, I am back to normal.
For the last six months my cardiologist has been telling me I have hypertension, which he believes should be treated with medication. Of course, as I explained to him, this just couldn’t be true. I have been doing aggressive cardiovascular exercising for almost 40 years; running, cycling, and using machines in the gym when the weather, or my schedule, was not conducive for outdoor exercise. In addition, I have never been overweight and for the last seven years, almost every day, I have steel cut oats for breakfast and a raw spinach salad for lunch. When I am in his office, and his staff takes my blood pressure, there is always a reason it is high: I just came up the stairs, I am walking on a broken leg, or maybe I have “white coat” syndrome. I was always willing to admit that when I am in his office my blood pressure looks like hypertension, but it just could not be possible.
I finally gave up my denial, and I am willing to admit I have high blood pressure that should be treated. I don’t really know what happened to bring me to this realization. Per the doctor’s recommendation I have been taking my blood pressure at home for the last six months. In the past when my machine showed a high reading, I just dismissed it as a cheap machine (which it is), and therefore it just couldn’t be right. But this morning, although nothing was different, and I feel fine, to say the machine was in error again just felt like denial.
I have always thought that high blood pressure indicated my moral failure. I was so sure that with disciplined exercise and diet, this is something that would never happen to me. However, my heart has now pumped over 166 million liters (43.86 million gallons) of blood. It is getting tired; it isn’t my fault. Although I think I have done a good job taking care of my heart, like the rest of my body, it is getting old. I am finally willing to admit the truth, I should be taking some medication for my hypertension.
RADICAL HONEST NO MATTER WHAT
With the admission of this truth there is plenty of good news. I had an aggressive workout this morning and I have never felt better. As I age this won’t last, but right now I feel wonderful. In addition, my brain appears to be working well. I finished a great book last week, I taught school all week long and loved being with high school students, and on Saturday morning a group of young airmen joined us for breakfast, and we had a very stimulating conversation.
I am getting older, and my body is going to continue to show signs of aging no matter what I do. I have a new commitment to radical honesty: I will not pretend my internal organs are going to stay young.
Often the truth about ourselves is hard to admit. Sometimes it is hard to admit the truth about our mental health or our emotions. Sometimes it is difficult to admit our failures or what it is like for others when they are around us. And as I have discovered, sometimes it can be about our physical health. But I continue to believe that radical honesty, even about our physical self and aging, is a good thing. I pray that you too will commit yourself to radical honesty even when such honesty is painful.
